25
Feb
10

See You On an Eventual Flipside

Some of you loyal readers may have noticed both my rather spotty posting record last year and my two month absence this year before finally revealing the Day of 200 Songs. I apologize, something I’ve been doing for a long time now. Soon after the Christmas holidays, I came to a difficult decision: I’m going to take an indefinite break from CTRR.

There were several factors, including my workload with my full-time job and with the couple of freelance gigs I’ve picked up. There was also the rather frightening breakdown over the holidays, which saw my regular depression slide into a pit I nearly couldn’t scramble out of. It made me take a step back from myself and take a re-think about what I was doing and what I wanted to do. I tried not to have too close a look because I’m still too fast to take that test.

It’s been two lovely years of writing about music with varying degrees of success. I very obviously still love music and will continue seeking out new sounds, attending shows, and reading music-related books, but I really need to take a break from writing about them. A break from trying to find words to make meaning of them. I’m hoping that this hiatus will allow me to write that novel I so desperately want to. I hope that something fulfilling will come out of the temporary loss of this outpost in cyberspace. Perhaps knowing that this is waiting for me when I finish will be the motivation I need to push through the prose building up inside my brain and on various scraps of paper in my bedroom. There are critics and there are artists; some people can manage to be both simultaneously, some cannot. I need to relinquish the former role to attempt to be the latter.

It all seems very serious. Perhaps I often take this blog too seriously, worrying over content and trying to keep to some impossible plan. I’ve always had ridiculously high expectations of myself, which often leave me frustrated and well…depressed. I suppose it would be easier if I just acknowledged that I’m not a polymath, nor will I ever be one. I’ve got to go looking for my sense of humour. My wit (if I ever had one) went out with the rest of them some time ago.

I don’t want to end this blog, but I also can’t push posts out for the sake of it. It’s not fair to anyone. I need to write properly or not at all. Everyone has their own purposes for blogging, including MP3 blogging. Mine really had mostly to do with writing. And in the process, my inner life leaked out onto other people’s screens despite never making an effort actually to write about my life. Probably because music is such a massive part of my life to begin with. And that will likely be the reason I return here again.

I’ve been reading a biography of Peter Mark Roget, who had a family history of severe mental illness. To stave off madness himself, he turned to creating lists, of course, eventually producing the first thesaurus. He constantly organized his world and found a way to preserve his sanity. I used music (probably have done for a sizable portion of my life) as a conduit to escape and to community, the best way I knew how to keep mad thoughts at bay.

Thank you to those of you who have followed me this far and said such supportive things. I think the Day of 200 Songs was a high note to leave for this hiatus because it demonstrates something beyond my selfish agendas. It’s proof that I was able to reach outside of my inner world and make some valuable connections. It’s evidence that sometimes this was more than a public forum for my personality quirks and grandiose yet insecure (rather Warholian) pathologies.

There will be a flipside. I’m just not sure when.

Thank You For the Ride – Mary Goes Round

I Know It’s Gonna Happen Someday – Morrissey

William’s Last Words – Manic Street Preachers

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18 Responses to “See You On an Eventual Flipside”


  1. 1 snail
    February 25, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    Wow, this is sad for me. But as a fellow ‘music writer’ I totally understand your point. It is such a struggle “to find words to make meaning of them.” You put that so beautifully. I often feel like I am not doing the music I write about justice especially if it’s a piece about something I like a lot. Love your blog and good luck with that novel :)

  2. 2 aria
    February 26, 2010 at 12:10 am

    I’m sorry to hear you have been feeling so low, and I hope you come back to this blog sometimes if you feel you would like to – I’ll keep you on my reader list just in case!

    I love your writing – you are very articulate and also very knowledgable about music. Thankyou for introducing me to so much new music from bands I wouldn’t have known of otherwise.

    I was kind of afraid this was what the big news would be. When you do write your novel will you let us know?

    All the best with everything – it’s been lovely ‘knowing’ you, and I hope this isn’t the last we hear from you. Love aria

  3. 3 Al
    February 26, 2010 at 1:01 am

    Very sorry to hear this!

    Good luck with your novel and life in general!

  4. 4 Rol
    February 26, 2010 at 2:19 am

    Good luck, Larissa. I wish you well with your offline creative projects, and look forward to reading them at some point in the future.

    Don’t be a stranger.

    Rol.

  5. 5 Lee
    February 26, 2010 at 2:25 am

    Good luck with everything. It’s been a pleasure reading this blog and if you are ever in the right place to come back again I, for one, would be more than happy. You’re by far the most talented writer I’ve come across in this format

    In the meantime; take care of yourself and good luck with the novel

  6. 6 Niel Bekker
    February 26, 2010 at 3:36 am

    I came to this blog very late in its time on the internet, but every check-in has been worthwhile. The best of luck with everything you do and don’t be ignorant of the fact that your writing, as well as your curating of all things music, has been very, very valuable to a lot of people.

  7. 7 Julien
    February 26, 2010 at 4:19 am

    Good luck for the book, i look forward to reading you again, it’s certainly been a pleasure since i came across your blog, and made it a regular stop on my daily surfing for new music.
    Your posts were often enlightening. Your output may have been spotty, nevertheless often briliant. You’ve inspired me to start writing myself, and for that i’m very thankful.
    Peace out

    Julien

  8. 8 Max
    February 26, 2010 at 4:24 am

    Thanks very much, I hope you know your writing was always very much appreciated. Good luck with everything.
    Max

  9. 9 Annie
    February 26, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I have checked out your blog regularly and you always had some fantastic music on here. I know it from my blog that it’s not always easy to find a balance between work life and spare time. I really hope that you will feel better soon. I’ve been through some really rough patches in the past myself and if there’s one thing that I’ve learned ( so far ) is, that life does go on and there are good and bad times ( as clichéd as that might sound now ). But you just have to really believe that there will be a better day and you have to know that even if it was just through a blog, you’ve influenced other people’s life. And it might only be small things but sometimes we only know how much we’ve changed after the event. I wish you all the best and I truly hope that you will come back to your blog one day. You shall be missed.

    All my love

    Annie x

  10. 10 leah
    February 26, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    i’ve been following this blog for over a year and i just want to let you know that i’ve found a lot of new favourites here and i love how you write about music. all the best with your novel, and i really hope things look up for you soon. best wishes. xxx

  11. February 27, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Sounds like a tough but excellent decision. Thanks for all you’ve done and good luck with the next chapter.

    xx Miles

  12. 12 Siobhan
    March 2, 2010 at 1:21 am

    I only discovered this blog halfway through last year and enjoyed reading it very much. You made me think more about what I was listening to and also were part of the inspiration for me to start my own music blog. Thanks for the excellent entertainment and education. Best of luck with the novel and everything else. Hope only the best things come your way and that I have the privelege of reading new work from you in the future.
    Siobhan

  13. 13 charlie
    March 2, 2010 at 5:00 am

    Thank you for all the bands you’ve introduced over the years: IAMX, Indelicates, Raveonettes, Empire of the Sun… to name a few. Can’t really think of any other blog that’s influenced my musical predilections as much as yours has except maybe saidthegramophone.com. Take care of yourself and onto exciting things! Also, I think yer awesome.

  14. 14 rgc66
    March 2, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Damn good blog…take your time…you will get the itch somewhere down the line to pick it up again. I have had to break from my blogs as well from time to time. It is quite an investment. Still it’s more important to stay healthy.

    Be well my friend!

    GC
    “Retro Music Snob”

  15. 15 jc
    March 2, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    This is really sad news.

    I dont think I can better what Rol has already said. Don’t Be A Stranger.

    And please, if you do feel the urge to put out an ocasional posting, you know I’d be honoured and delighted to provide space at my place.

    With lots of love and affection.

    JC
    xxxx

  16. 16 Andrew
    March 3, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Dear Larissa,

    We’ll really miss your writing and incredible passion for music.

    Thanks for everything. Hope we’ll see you again sometime.

    Best Wishes,
    Andrew K & TA.

  17. 17 Claude
    March 7, 2010 at 9:17 am

    Amazing writing…
    You’ll be missed..
    Thank you for introducing me to, among other things, the music of IAMX.

    All the best

  18. 18 Mickenzy
    March 10, 2010 at 3:46 am

    Wow, I guess that’s what I get for not being online for a little while lol. I’m sorry you feel so badly like you need to take a break, Larissa. I’m really glad, however, that you’re taking the time for yourself and shooting for the things that matter to you. :)
    You’ll always be my best friend!


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The only certain thing that is left about me

There is no part of my body that has not been used

Pity or pain, to show displeasure's shame

Everyone I've loved or hated always seems to leave

Photobucket

So I turned myself to face me

But I've never caught a glimpse

Of how the others must see the faker

I'm much too fast to take that test

The Smiths Queen is Dead

A dreaded sunny day

So let's go where we're happy

And I meet you at the cemetry gates

Oh, Keats and Yeats are on your side

A dreaded sunny day

So let's go where we're wanted

And I meet you at the cemetry gates

Keats and Yeats are on your side

But you lose 'cause weird lover Wilde is on mine

The Clash London Calling

When they kick at your front door

How you gonna come?

With your hands on your head

Or on the trigger of your gun

Photobucket

Charles Windsor, who's at the door

At such an hour, who's at the door

In the back of an old green Cortina

You're on your way to the guillotine

Here the rabble comes

The kind you hoped were dead

They've come to chop, to chop off your head

Photobucket

Then you came with your breezeblocks

Smashing up my face like a bus-stop

You think you're giving

But you're taking my life away

Photobucket

Won't someone give me more fun?

(and the skin flies all around us)

We kiss in his room to a popular tune

Oh, real drowners

Photobucket

Don't walk away

In silence

See the danger

Always danger

Endless talking

Life rebuilding

Don't walk away

Walk in silence

Don't turn away in silence

Your confusion

My illusion

Worn like a mask of self-hate

Confronts and then dies

Don't walk away

Photobucket

You don't want to hurt me

But see how deep the bullet lies

Unaware I'm tearing you asunder

Oh there is thunder in our hearts

Is there so much hate for the ones we love

Tell me we both matter don't we

The Associates Affectionate

I don't know whether

To over or under estimate you

Whether to over or under estimate you

For when I come over

You then put me under

Personal taste is a matter of gender

Photobucket

I wake at dusk to go alone without a light

To the unknown

I want this night inside of me

I want to feel

I want this speeding

I want that speeding

Photobucket

You'll never live like common people

You'll never do what common people do

You'll never fail like common people

You'll never watch your life slide out of view

And dance and drink and screw

Because there's nothing else to do

Vanilla Swingers

All I have is words, words that don't obtain

And I feel I'm a stain on your horizon

So I stay away - it's easier that way

And there won't be no-one I need to rely on

Is it him, is it me

Or is there something only I can see

How did I get here, why do we blow around like straw dogs on the breeze

I'm a special one, what they used to say

But I've to stay on, finish levels-A

You don't need exams when you've read John Gray

The Indelicates American Demo

And nobody ever comes alive

And the journalists clamour round glamour like flies

And boys who should know better grin and get high

With fat men who once met the MC5

And no one discusses what they don't understand

And no one does anything to harm the brand

And this gift is an illusion, this isn't hard

Absolutely anyone can play the fucking guitar

JAMC Darklands

And we tried so hard

And we looked so good

And we lived our lives in black

Photobucket

Plucked her eyebrows on the way

Shaved her leg and then he was a she

She says, hey babe,

Take a walk on the wild side

Said, hey honey, take a walk on the wild side

Photobucket

Hide on the promenade

Etch a postcard:

How I dearly wish I was not here

In the seaside town...that they forgot to bomb

Come, come, come - nuclear bomb

Photobucket

Back when we were kids

We would always know when to stop

And now all the good kids are messing up

Nobody has gained or accomplished anything

Wire Pink Flag

Prices have risen since the government fell

Casualties increase as the enemy shell

The climate's unhealthy, flies and rats thrive

And sooner or later the end will arrive

This is your correspondent, running out of tape

Gunfire's increasing, looting, burning, rape

Photobucket

Well, maybe there's a god above

But all I've ever learned from love

Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

It's not a cry that you hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Photobucket

And what costume shall the poor girl wear

To all tomorrow's parties

For Thursday's child is Sunday's clown

For whom none will go mourning

Photobucket

My body is your body

I won't tell anybody

If you want to use my body

Go for it

Photobucket

Oh it's opening time

Down on Fascination Street

So let's cut the conversation

And get out for a bit

Because I feel it all fading and paling

And I'm begging

To drag you down with me

Mansun Six

And you see, I kind of shivered to conformity

Did you see the way I cowered to authority

You see, my life, it's a series of compromises anyway

It's a sham, and I'm conditioned to accept it all, you see

Japan Gentlemen

Take in the country air, you'll never win

Gentlemen take polaroids

They fall in love, they fall in love

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We just want to emote til we're dead

I know we suffer for fashion

Or whatever

We don't want these days to ever end

We just want to emasculate them forever

Forever, forever

Pretty sirens don't go flat

It's not supposed to happen like that

Longpigs The Sun

There's no perfume I can buy

Make me smell like myself

So I put on perfume

To make me smell like someone else

In bed

Calvin Harris I Created Disco

I got love for you if you were born in the 80's, the 80's

I've got hugs for you if you were born in the 80's, the 80's

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Does his makeup in his room

Douse himself with cheap perfume

Eyeholes in a paper bag

Greatest lay I ever had

Kind of guy who mates for life

Gotta help him find a wife

We're a couple, when our bodies double

Simple Minds Sons and Fascination

Summer rains are here

Savaged beauty life

Falling here from grace

Sister feeling call

Cruising land to land

No faith no creed no soul

Half a world away

Beauty sleeps in time

Sound and fury play

Bloc Party Silent Alarm

North to south

Empty

Running on

Bravado

As if to say, as if to say

He doesn't like chocolate

He's born a liar, he'll die a liar

Some things will never be different

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LCD Soundsystem

Well Daft Punk is playing at my house, my house

I've waited 7 years and 15 days

There's every kid for miles at my house, my house

And the neighbors can't...call the police

There's a fist fight brewin' at my house, my house

Because the jocks can't...get in the door

Johnny Boy

I just can't help believing

Though believing sees me cursed

Stars Set Yourself

I am trying to say

What I want to say

Without having to say "I love you"

Josef K Entomology

It took 10 years to realise why the angels start to cry

When you go home down the main

Your happy smile

Your funny name

Cocteau Twins Bluebell

Photobucket

Doesn't she look a million with her hairagami set

Hair kisses 'n' hair architecture

Yes, she's a beautiful brunette angel from heaven with her hairagami set

Hair kisses 'n' hair architecture

Augment a beautiful brunette

New Order Power Corruption

How does it feel

To treat me like you do

When you've laid your hands upon me

And told me who you are

Photobucket

You must let her go

She's not crying

Photobucket

Baiting

Feeling like I'm waiting

Modern times

Valentines

Hating

Hating to distraction

Just leave them alone

Whipcrack

Girls in the back

Girls in the back

Puressence Don't Forget

They say come back to earth and start getting real, yeah

I say come back to earth and start getting real

I know I can't

Photobucket

So I walk right up to you

And you walk all over me

And I ask you what you want

And you tell me what you need

Photobucket

The problem of leisure

What to do for pleasure

Ideal love a new purchase

A market of the senses

Dream of the perfect life

Economic circumstances

The body is good business

Sell out, maintain the interest

Photobucket

Sitting in my armchair thinking again and again and again

Going round in a circle I can't get out

Then I look around thinking day and night and day

Then you look around - there must be some explanation

And the tension builds

Psychdedelic Furs

India, India

You're my love song

India, you're my love song

In the flowers

You can have me in the flowers

We will dance alone

And live our useless lives

Ladytron Light Magic

They only want you when you're seventeen

When you're twenty-one

You're no fun

They take a polaroid and let you go

Say they'll let you know

Photobucket

No consolation prizes

Spit out your lies and chewing gum

Cut off your hair yeah that's it!

If you look like that I swear I'm gonna love you more

Photobucket

All the neighbors are startin' up a fire

Burning all the old folks, the witches and the liars.

My eyes are covered by the hands of my unborn kids

But my heart keeps watchin' through the skin of my eyelids

Photobucket

Prince charming

Prince charming

Ridicule is nothing to be scared of

Don't you ever, don't you ever

Stop being dandy, showing me you're handsome


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